


Was overcoming that even worth it?

by NintendoSatoRi



Series: Ushiten week 2020 [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Future Fic, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Mentioned Yamagata Hayato - Freeform, PLEASE READ NOTES JUST FOR SAFETY?, Past, Pro Volleyball Player Ushijima Wakatoshi, Sad, Shiratorizawa, Tendou Satori Needs a Hug, Tendou Satori-centric, Ushiten Week, it's got a lot of negative vibes, mentioned oohira reon - Freeform, t rating for emotional pain warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26103292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NintendoSatoRi/pseuds/NintendoSatoRi
Summary: They never stayed, they always forgot.And Tendou thought that he could change that.Although he isn't sure whether or not it was successful.
Relationships: Semi Eita & Tendou Satori, Tendou Satori & Ushijima Wakatoshi, Tendou Satori/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Series: Ushiten week 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1893709
Comments: 4
Kudos: 75
Collections: Ushiten Week 2020





	Was overcoming that even worth it?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and welcome back to Day 2 of Ushiten week 2020!  
> Now, I picked the prompt phobias but it turned more into a insecurity type thing? Not sure how to explain it but I'm sure it's a fear.  
> So I've mixed Mono/Autophobia (fear of being alone) and Athazagoraphobia (fear of being forgotten) together. Technically speaking it's a true phobia?  
> I'm sorry, I'm not 100% sure but I hope it suffices!  
> So, quick warning. This does hold some bullying, as it is also part of Tendou's past but it also holds a lot of negative thinking I'd say. Maybe it's not as direct as you may think but Tendou's mindset in this story isn't the same as it is in the anime or manga, for example he comes to terms with him being known as the guess monster. He doesn't exactly like it still in this fic?  
> I hope I explained it well.
> 
> It's messy, not edited and probably has a plethora of mistakes but I tried my best ehe-
> 
> So anyways, I hope you like the fic! It's angst though, as if you couldn't tell already :)) 
> 
> Day 2, prompt 2: phobias

_What do you want ten years from now?_

Tendou stared at the question on the paper, little six year old mind already so mature, forced to grow up with the ever so harsh surroundings. He knew what he wanted, exactly what he wanted.  
But he doubted that he'd actually ever get it.

_I want someone to remember me._

He scribbled it away after some time, knowing that anyone who sees it will make fun of him. And if the teacher saw.. oh dear, his parents wouldn't be happy with him.

_To go to a good high school!_

Yeah. This would suffice.

\--

Tendou didn't exactly have a loving relationship with anyone. Not his family or anyone in school.  
Years of that caused his mind to rack up a lot of negative thoughts, pushed down by his scary facade and seemingly joyful outlook in life.

He was scared. Was scared that he'd never make a friend, was scared that if he did that they'd leave him. He was scared that no one would ever be able to love him the way he had read in countless stories.  
He was scared that he would never be wanted.

But that's fine.

He had come to live with those doubts nagging at the back of his mind, learned to turn those doubts into self-deprecating jokes that no one cared about. He learned to pretend he didn't hear the whispers of the red haired monster walking through the hallways, pretend he didn't hear how freakishly wide his eyes are.

He learned to pretend because he was terrified.

Terrified that if he didn't, he would be left alone forever, would never be wanted or needed by anyone.

So instead he ignored it, hurting others in the one way where they wouldn't be able to understand.

Blocking.

During his grade school years, he blocked the others spikes again and again. And in middle school.. he tried.

\--

Tendou stood at the sidelines, watching the starters play as his own fingers twitched in anticipation.

But at the same time, he wanted to do nothing else but watch, eyes catching the slightest changes in their behavior, noticing how they moved differently.  
All the movement changes and little details clouded Tendou's mind, every doubt and insecurity gone for the moment as he caught on to what the opposing team was doing, soon enough being able to guess exactly what they were doing, even if he wasn't on the court.

If only he had been, then he would've blocked the quick attack that was already so obvious.  
If only they hadn't voted him out from being a starter and if only the coach had been smart enough to see that he was talented.

If only.

But he couldn't say that as they all walked back, tears streaming down a few faces, though they weren't his own.  
He couldn't because if he did, they would get mad at him for no reason except him making everything worse.

Tendou watched the way they all talked to each other, crying out about the pain while the only thing he could do was watch as he was being ignored, sitting in the far back of the bus as he tried to ignore everything around him. He wanted to interact with them, talk to them about it but he knew if he did, he'd get shut out again.

And even though he stayed silent, wasn't being a bother to anyone, the blame still got pushed on to him.

"It's all your fault Tendou, your freak eyes kept watching me and I couldn't concentrate." Hissed one of his teammates.

"Yeah exactly. And you wouldn't shut up, I could hear you from here." Another said and then the hushed whispers continued, filling Tendou's head but he merely smiled, the others only turning more annoyed.

"What are you smiling about? Even your smile is scary, you monster!"

The smile crumbled slightly.  
"I don't know. But we always have next year." Tendou responded before grabbing his bag and leaving the gym.

He ignored the way they called him stupid because they were graduating this year. He knew that. But he had a chance next year, at least if he made it to Shiratorizawa.

\--

For once, Tendou's smile was big as he walked through the gates of Shiratorizawa Academy, bringing the last of his belongings into his dorm room with the help of his parents, who kept saying how happy they were that he was finally leaving and that they were surprised they managed to get into this prestigious school.

He ignored their remarks as they dropped off the few boxes in his dorm room and left him alone, making him rather focus on finding his roommate and then discussing the different rules of their room or whatnot. It appears to be that his roommate had already chosen the bottom bunk after all.  
Well, that was his original plan if his roommate didn't find him first.

"Oh, hello. You're my roommate, I would assume?" Tendou stopped organizing the framed pictures on his desk in favor of turning towards the door, his eyes widening slightly at the sight that greeted him. 

He was roommates with _the_ Ushijima Wakatoshi? The one who could already break through blocks in middle school?

He stopped the gawking before Ushijima got uncomfortable, instead pulling on a smile and nodding. "Yep! Tendou Satori, pleased to meet ya Ushijima Wakatoshi!"

"I never introduced myself, how come you know my name?" Was the response he got, watching Ushijima carry one last box into their shared room, placing it on the bottom bunkbed.

"Oh that's cause everyone knows you! You're super strong and amazing at volleyball! No wonder you went to Shiratorizawa, honestly." Tendou smiled at him and was unfazed at the eyebrow raise he got in return, already used to people thinking he was weird.

"That must mean you played volleyball before. Although I've never seen you as my opponent before, how is that?" Ushijima asked, starting to pack the things away while allowing Tendou to talk.  
Honestly, Tendou couldn't have been more thankful for that. No one ever wanted to even pretend to listen.

"Oh.. well, my middle school wasn't that well known." He said, tongue-tied as he glanced away. Truthfully, they had gone up against Shiratorizawa once or twice during middle school but he was always on the bench. No wonder Ushijima didn't recognize him.

"Is that so? But I remember having a match against your school before." The moment those words slipped past Ushijima's lips, Tendou shivered and he glanced back at the other.  
"What? No, that can't be ri-"

"No, I know I've had a match against your school before. I even see you in the picture there." Ushijima insisted, pointing at the picture right beside Tendou's hands, resting on his desk.  
"You should have just admit that you were too weak to be a starter, Tendou. Don't be a coward."

Tendou gulped and suddenly he felt as though he wanted to curl into himself, instead turning away from Ushijima's searing gaze. He was stronger than this, such remarks didn't have to affect him anymore. Why else did he build walls starting in grade school?  
".. You're right, I'm sorry. But hey, I'll promise you that I'll be starter here!" Tendou was quick to regain his grin, somehow needing Ushijima's attention on him, hoping that it was positive.

"I would like to see you try. Good luck."

Tendou could only nod.  
At least this was him being brutally honest, not mocking him like everyone else did.

He'd be able to live with this.

\--

The years of being forced into silence, never talking unless absolutely necessary were finally over, Tendou would think as he hopped on over towards the gym before school, smile and happy. He could finally make friends here, be as loud and eccentric as he could be.

"Hey! I'm Tendou Satori! You're another first year right!" The first person he approached looked at him with a raised eyebrow, stepping away from him and the loud volume that came with him before nodding.

"Yeah. What do you want?"

"I'm just introducing myself! It's nice to see new people, don't you agree?" Tendou still had a smile, watching the other person move about the gym while they waited for the coach to come so they could all introduce themselves.

"No. But if you'll leave me alone after this, I'll tell you my name."

"Oh.. alright sure. It's not like you're gonna be able to stay away from me forever." Tendou grinned, making the other sigh once more.

"Semi Eita. We'll be doing introductions later anyway so you can stop harassing everyone now."

"Right, you're right. Then I'll just.. wait." Tendou laughed it off, nodding as he made his way to one of the large gym walls, leaning against it.

He already had made a decision when coming here. He will be remembered and will make friends. He didn't want to be forgotten again.

His head turned when three people walked through the door. He saw two people first, probably the coaches and Ushijima to be precise.

Tendou nearly ran up to say hello but he stopped himself, instead watching the way everyone interacted with each other and joining in when the introduction finally started.

\--

"You're a starter. Congratulations." Ushijima told Tendou, making him jump as he looked over to the other who was sitting on his desk chair.

He nodded happily, leaning over the top of his bunkbed with a sigh.  
"Yeah, I'm really glad I made it. But most of the first years did! So I'm happy for everyone! Or well, Semi-kun, you and I made it. I'm sad that Oohira-kun and Yamagata-kun couldn't make it yet."

"I'm certain that they'll make it soon enough, the moment the third year's leave. They have talent, just not as much as our upperclassmen." Ushijima responded with the tiniest of shrugs.

"Yeah, you're right." Tendou's smile was still big.  
Someone was acknowledging him.  
Someone was talking to him.  
Someone was here with him.

He's not alone.

And then the smile only grew bigger, hidden from no one as he slunk off the top bed to see what Ushijima was doing at his desk.

This was going to be a good year.

\--

It took a while for him to actually make friends but by the end of his first year, Tendou had made friends with the entire volleyball team.  
By the end of second year, he had made his name known and even though he despised the way they knew him as the _Guess Monster_ , he was never so relieved that they actually remembered him, that they recognized him.  
And by the end of third year, he was well known and his entire team was basically family. 

Tendou had never thought that his dreams would come true.  
Never would he have expected to have friends, people that cared about him. Never would he have expected that he would be remembered as the 'Guess Monster' who wreaked havoc towards other teams. Never would he have expected to be loved by the ace that had caught his attention since day one.  
And never had he thought that..

"Satori, focus on your studies or else you will fail the exams." Ushijima interrupted Tendou's thoughts, making him jolt slightly before nodding and smiling brightly.

"Course! Sorry Toshi, just got stuck in my mind for a while there." Tendou laughed, eyes moving back to look over his notes with a sigh.

This was nice. It was perfect. He wasn't alone anymore.  
He wasn't forgotten anymore.

"You're still not focusing. What's on your mind Tendou?"

"I.. I'm not forgotten. I'm not alone anymore." Tendou mumbled, tears rolling down his cheeks as he smiled, big and bright as he looked at Ushijima.  
"Because of you. Because of Shiratorizawa and because of this team I'm not alone anymore. Thank you, so much."

And more tears fell as Ushijima wrapped his arms around Tendou's body, making him feel safe and secure.

"Toshi?"

"Yes?"

"Do you think we will all keep in touch after graduation?" Tendou's voice was soft, almost lacking the confidence as he looked up at the other.

"Of course we will. I promise."

_I promise._

..that would have been torn out of his grasp so easily.

\--

Tendou stared at his phone, eyes closing and then opening once more as he stayed awake.  
He hasn't had a single new message for months.

He couldn't help the laughter that forced itself out of his mouth, burning his throat and causing a pain to rush through his chest.

"They're all gone.. they all forgot about me." He whispered.

Because after graduation, the promise wasn't kept.  
Everyone drifted apart from Tendou.  
No one talked to Tendou.  
No one checked in on Tendou.  
Not Semi, not Yamagata, not Oohira, not Shirabu or Kawanishi or Goshiki and not Ushijima.

They all left him.

Tendou didn't bother to stop the sobs racking through his frail body, trembling fingers tugging at messy, unkempt hair until a few strands pulled itself loose.  
He was shaking.

He couldn't even call Ushijima.  
He didn't have the numbers of everyone and Semi seemed to have changed his.

He couldn't call anyone.  
Or at least the one person he could won't pick up.  
Not after they broke up.

Tendou muffled the pained cry tearing itself out of his mouth, clutching his chest because his heart wouldn't stop squeezing and it wouldn't stop hurting.

_"I think we should break up."_

_Tendou was quick to re-read that, nearly dropping his bottle of water as he felt the smile that was on his lips disappear, cracking._

_"What?" His fingers were trembling as he sent the message, unable to write any more than that._

_The response was instant._

_"I seemed to have fallen out of love. I suppose long distance has never been good for me. And I have more important things to focus on, such as volleyball. I do hope you understand and support me. I apologize Tendou."_

_He could feel his heart beating faster and faster, shaking his head as his hands turned clammy, gripping the phone tightly._

_"Toshi, this is a joke right?"_

_"It isn't. I'm sorry Tendou."_

_He wasn't even using his given name anymore.  
Tendou's eyes widened and he felt his body beginning to tremble._

_But instead of causing drama, his shaking fingers typed out a different response._

_"Of course Ushijima. I wish you the best of luck in the future."_

Tendou fell to his side, unable to keep himself sitting upright.  
This wasn't his fault, he had done nothing wrong.

Ushijima had simply fallen out of love, there was nothing more to it.  
The fight they had was a repressed memory deep in Tendou's head.

The one where they met up and Tendou broke down, yelling at Ushijima before Ushijima shut him out completely.

That connection was broken, Ushijima not talking to him because of how determined, how focused he was on his own goal.  
Only because of that, not because of the words he spewed that day.  
The words Tendou desperately wished to forget or take back.

Tendou didn't even understand why no one else ever talked to him.  
No one.

Tendou's body couldn't stop shaking as he pressed himself against his wall, trying to take deep breaths.

No one was here for him.  
They all forgot about him.  
Except for Ushijima, who had only negative thoughts about Tendou in his mind, the redhead was sure.

The pain searing through Tendou's entire body made him convulse, falling to his side as he let out another choked sob before allowing himself to be as loud as he wanted, unable to hold back the sounds.

No one was there to hear him anyway.

\--

Tendou sat at the table, staring at a crumpled piece of paper with numbed down eyes.  
The vibrant red almost seemed gray at this point.

The live interview was a mere white noise, the words had been spoken and they left him numb all over.

_"The.. friend I used to have? No, we have cut all ties. I would admit we're basically strangers once more."_

They were burned into his mind, much like the piece of paper he was holding.  
He read the words again, hollow laughter coming when he read the scribbled out words.

_What do you want ten years from now?_

He chucked the paper away, allowing it to float over the floor before laying his head down on the table.

"I want everyone to forget me permanently."

The whisper was breathless, quiet and cold.

At least Tendou overcame the fear that once held him captive.  
But was it worth it?


End file.
